Confession #5: I am not your ideal pastor's wife..stop trying to make me so

I have a confession...those other "pastor's wives" and members that believe a minister’s wife is called along with her husband to minister make me sick.

You are not paying me to do his job. You pay him...you get him. We are NOT a two for one deal. You cannot expect that I am called to be all things to all people at all times in order that I might win some for your congregation. Yet you call on me to turn the other cheek; to be sober and exhibit gentle demeanor. You expect that my

attitude must never be guided by my emotions, a slight, a rejection, a burden or a criticism. I am to hold my head high and smile at all times. You feel I must shake every hand and pat every head and hear every complaint. I must always know where my husband is, and be ever-ready to relay any message to him, and if he doesn’t act upon that message, I am held accountable for his inaction. You expect me to know exactly how each congregant feels because they shared details with my husband in a counseling session. (Never mind that my husband would not divulge such confidences with me– I surely should know anyway).

My children must sit in absolute silence like army privates while listening attentively to every word my husband says. They must be dressed in spic and span condition and exemplify all the fruit of the Spirit. I am to have a perfectly clean and organized house. You expect me to live on less than what other members live on but dress above our means and bring elaborate dishes to every potluck.

I must be in attendance at everything at all times to support the work of others in the Lord. I am to answer questions of “What do you think?” with non-answers that have nothing to do with what I think, but with neutrality. You expect that I be on call at any moment, at all hours of the night, to carry on without my spouse and I am to get absolutely giddy for the pleasure of not having his company. I am not to be sick or in need of my husbands’s attention. I am to have as much theological and doctrinal knowledge as any seminary graduate and have ready answers to any question posed. All the while my opinions and thoughts are not my own, but representative of my husband’s. And he is held accountable for all I think, say and do. In other words I am called to be perfect, because our Lord was perfect.

Confession #4: I steal from other blogs

I have another confession . . . I steal from and tweak other blogs.

In the years that my husband has been a pastor, I have experienced daily little hurts that can build up and occasionally a pain that I never thought was possible.

The daily process of being a pastor's wife in and of itself is awkward. I always say the part that bugs me the worst is the ontogeny of it. The very fact that there are 200 people that actually KNOW where I live bothers me. Very few other careers involve having the general public knowing and caring about where your family lives and what happens in their lives . . . celebrities and big time politicians are the only people that come to mind. I don't even know if my doctor HAS a wife. I don't know if the policeman that stopped by the house a few days ago has kids . . . let alone who they are and where they live.

One thing that brings me comfort is the whole idea of vocation. God has given me certain tasks to do in life. I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, an artist, an historian, a friend. Notice, I didn't say that I am a "pastor's wife" or "in the ministry."

The man that I am married to has received a Divine Call to provide care to this congregation by preaching The Word and administering the Sacraments and using these to forgive them, guide them, heal their wounds, and admonish them. He is to love them as Christ loves them. I just happen to be married to him.

Where do I fit in? I'm his wife. I love him, raise his children, and try to provide a safe (though nowhere near neat) home. I rejoice in his love and honor and respect him. My relationship to the congregation? I would be a member, if I felt they wanted me as such. The things that I do in the congregation I do because I am a child of God and feel that God has given me gifts in certain areas so that I can serve there. However, I am serving God just as much in my home by raising good Christian children as I am by serving on any committee. Even more so.

My other vocations come first. I am a wife and a mother. These roles are sacred and were given to me by God.

A professor at the seminary said that a pastor's wife shouldn't do a whole lot in the congregation. First of all, there are very few things that the pastor's wife can do that it wouldn't be better for people in the congregation to do. The more they serve their congregation, the stronger it is. There might be someone else who could actually grow in their role in the church if they fulfill the role that I might be swallowing up because I'm the pastor's wife and I can do everything! If my husband ends up being called elsewhere, the church will be left weaker if I've taken on a lot, because then they are left with a hole where his role was . . . and then one that the pastor's wife filled also. I've always clung to that (if only as a defense mechanism!)

I am an introvert. I am somewhat shy and I am uncomfortable in large groups. A key personality trait of introverts is that they are drained by social interaction. They can enjoy it . . . but afterwards, they need time alone to build up their energy again. I do well with interaction with only a few people at a time. Some people get energized by serving and interacting with others. I don't. I enjoy it at times, but it leaves me depleted. I need to be aware of this . . . because if I overdo it, I get cranky, depressed, and mentally disorganized, and I can't meet my family's needs. That is more important.

Just because my husband is called to serve the congregation doesn't mean that I have any obligation to fill a particular role. In this, I am not his partner. He is called. I am not. I am his helpmeet, to be sure, but I am not a co-pastor or a ministry partner. I am there to love him, listen to him, and be his friend. If only others understood this it would take a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

It is not easy and many days it sucks being the pastor's wife. Because I always know that others have certain expectations of me, and they don't necessarily see it the way that I do. They can be hurtful or distant in their expression of that. In certain situations, this can be very painful. However, I also sometimes see other pastor's wives busting their butts into non-existence and their husbands' flocks still aren't happy with them . . . so at least I'm at the same place without being completely overwhelmed with church duties.

I continually have my guard up against this congregation. I did not at first but have quickly learned my lesson through heartache and betrayal. I read something on forgiveness once which pointed out that forgiveness does not mean being stupid. If someone is repeatedly nosy, harsh, or otherwise, it does not mean that you leave yourself vulnerable to them, or expect them to be otherwise. Knowing that this can happen at anytime is being as smart as a serpent, in my opinion. However, knowing this also can leave me with my guard up at times it shouldn't be, and then I am not open to the beauty in the people that I worship with. I make it a point to pray for the people that I worship with. In my church, since each person goes up to the communion rail, I find that as I see them, it is easy for me to pray for them and what is going on in their lives (if I know . . . if not, I leave it up to God. He knows) and I thank God for them. Whether my prayers that we be reconciled to each other are answered . . . I don't know, that's in God's hand. As for my family, we can always go to a church that wants us if the situation gets beyond repair.

There are definitely days (too frequent to count) where I am brought to tears by this life and that I wish that my husband would find something else. Then I remember the souls that have been brought to faith because of him. I see how much he cares for his flock. I listen to him preaching in the pulpit . . . and I can't imagine him doing anything else . . . but I am not comforted and when the next attack comes it only cuts me deeper.

These are the things that I do to make it manageable. I hope this blog helps me to do that. Being a "pastor's wife" doesn't mean that I have a title and a role to fill. It doesn't mean that the congregation has any unique claim on my time and energies. I serve God because I want to. Not because of who I married – I love and respect my husband. That is my role.

Confession #3: I cry every day because of my church

I have a confession...I cry every day because of my church.

I am all alone there and don't feel that anyone truly cares about me as a person, as just another member of the church. I don't quite belong to any group, least of all the cliques and no matter how anyone may try I don't think I ever will be. It is not just at our current church -- although I feel that it will be more difficult here -- but it is what happens to "pastor's wives."

No one knows what to do with us, how to treat us, how to act around us. After all we may just tell the pastor all about you little secret or mishap. It's a horrible burden to carry. How the hell am I suppose to earn your trust when you've already decided that you can't trust me? I've had people I consider friends (good friends) at our previous congregation but those were people who had already opened up to both me and my husband...those who already trusted us because we were the pastor and his family.

To some people the position I hold has super powers. I could get away with a lot if I chose to but I like being a member at church not some mythical being. I want to be just like any other member: accepted for a member of this congregation not because I am the "pastor's wife."

Confession #2: I'm in my 20's and (gasp) I hate Contemporary Worship

I have a confession...I am in my 2o's and I hate CCM.

Yes, it is true. Try to sustain your shock and surprise and, dare I say, horror at that fact that you have just been proven wrong . . . no, not everyone under the age of 30 likes what you call Contemporary Christian Music. As for those of you who think that is what your teenage son or daughter listens to, they are lying. They may listen to it while you're around but the minute they leave the house or have their I-pod they are listening to their own music. And no, you would not like what you hear.

A while back our church held a meeting to discuss our contemporary worship or as they call it "praise service" (as far as I am concerned you can call it whatever you like, it doesn't change the fact that it is still trying to be something it is not). I dislike Christian contemporary worship for numerous reasons. The first – and, to me, the most obvious – reason is that it is not contemporary. Even if it was written yesterday the majority of songs chosen for contemporary services today are in the style of Peter, Paul and Mary...from the 60's (which in case you were confused, is NOT contemporary)! The second reason and the reason I think everyone should not want to see the majority of CCM in their worship service is that – from the Lutheran perspective – it is not doctrinally sound. Thirdly, I like traditional services...it has worked for hundreds of years, why change it now. Plus, everyone is jumping on the contemporary worship bandwagon, why not do what Christians were always known for doing...not following the crowd? Why not stand out in the sea of CCM services and show people that we are different...something worth seeing?!

Regardless of my thoughts on the CCM issue, there were harsh words spoken by a few at our meeting. Worse than that was the fact that these same people seemed to have told others about their problems with my husband and the meeting rather than talk with him. So now, there are these horrible rumors going around about him. Seeing the man I love and respect being falsely accused and betrayed has been profoundly painful and this betrayal has come from the most unexpected source; over the most unexpected issues. I have always said I want to follow Jesus all the way, but I did not have betrayal and false accusations in my mind at those times in my life.

Part of confession #1 stems from this meeting. I am not wanted in this church. Someone openly scoffed, rolled their eyes and sat there fuming over a certain comment at the meeting. Five minutes later, this person interrupted the conversation to say that it was the stupidest thing they had ever heard. They went on and the conclusion reached by many upon hearing this was that it was better for the congregation to lose a few members in order to have larger attendance numbers. I'm sorry...I guess I was under the assumption that worship services were for the church's members. Screw those of us who dare to question what the powers that be want! I have asked that my membership be held so that I don't join a church that will so easily dismiss me when I don't follow what they have decided is the will of all. I am rather angry over this whole thing. This person's comments and actions are not the only thing that have upset me, my anger, misery and loneliness had been building for 2 months at that point.

Confession #1: I hate my church

I have a confession...I dislike my current church very much. We've been in some nasty churches, and one wonderful one – not without its share of problem but wonderful, none the less. People I thought were friends have betrayed my trust. I have had parishioners – people who call themselves Christians – tell me to my face "good riddance" when we were leaving with a look of anger that would scare the hell out of most people. I've had parishioners essentially tell me I was unwanted in the church. They've said that for everyone like me that left the church for one reason or another two more would join. Basically it's a screw you, we can do better mentality. I've meant nothing to some members because they felt they could get "better" (aka those that think like we do) members. Most of the time I’d rather hide in a closet with the bedroom door barricaded, windows bricked up, and house on lock-down than make small talk and feel other members staring at me with curiosity or contempt (take your pick).

I am NOT a member of a church within my church body . . . I am not a member of a church anywhere. Where am I suppose to go when my own church doesn't want me . . . when I don't feel welcome in God's house because I am not part of the right cliques. Yes, no matter what you think 99.999 (you get the idea)% of the churches out there have cliques. You have to work really hard at ridding your congregation of those and in most cases you will be met with strong opposition because "your church doesn't have cliques." Trust me, I've faced this more times than I care to recount.

I dread going to church on Sunday. But yet I am expected to . . . not because my husband wants it (in fact, he has told me to attend another church where I feel more comfortable and welcomed) . . . but because I am the "pastor's wife" and if I don't go to church, can I expect my husband to have any respect within his own congregation (not that they respect him now)? Would you continue to go to a place you were not wanted? Well, I do every Sunday and occasionally on Wednesdays and Holy Days.

Introduction: Forgive me for I have sinned

I am what many call a "pastor's wife" (although I despise the term) and have been for some years now. Due to the fact that I don't want to ruin all the work my wonderful husband is trying to accomplish in his church I will remain anonymous. Just know that I am a wife, mother and currently not a member of any church within our synod. I attend church faithfully and love God and know he is working through me and my husband. I don't share a lot about myself with too many people – I've been burned by doing that in the past. I want to tell you things that most people would not know about me – the "pastor's wife." I warn you now that this may be difficult for some devout Christians to read about the "pastor's wife," but it is who I am, take it or leave it.

My husband accepted a call a few months back and so begins my journey in another fish bowl but this time around I have some confessions....