Confession #16: My family is beaten and broken

I have a confession....My family has suffered more this past year than I ever thought was possible. We are beaten and broken and worst of all, that has many people very pleased at our current "church."

Hearty congratulations are deserved all around to Satan's minons. Wow, what work you can accomplish with "Christians"! Your deceit, lies, backstabbing, in short, all your hard work has finally paid off. Congratulations, Satan must be so proud of you "Christians"!

Imagine if you had actually put all that effort into finding common ground, meeting in the middle, working for Christ's glory....imagine what more you could have accomplished instead of killing a pastor, destroying the faith of his wife and terrifying his children. Just imagine for a second!

God, what must it feel like to be you standing on the hill of victory with your fresh kill and captives around you? God, what will it feel like for you on judgement day when you have to answer for your crimes? God, I don't want to be there to see it.

You should really all be quite proud of yourselves, continue to pat yourselves on the back. You have won. You have won a great victory today... but not for Christ! Congratulations, you must be so proud.

Confession #15: I don't like ultimatums

I have a confession to make...I don't take ultimatums well, so it is best that you not issue them to me. I tend to do the exactly what you are telling me I must do. If you tell me I can't leave your church because I am the "pastor's wife" and my husband will suffer the consequences, I will stay and do my damnedest to make this church better and better does not mean "your way!" In fact, it will most likely mean the opposite and you will not like it.

I am not someone you can befriend and then make an enemy and then turn around and try to befriend again. It doesn't work that way. Make up your mind. If I am trying to kill your church, if I am as awful as you say I am, why on earth do you want to be my friend? You are a fool if you think I can't see what you are attempting. You've backstabbed me too often for me not to be overly cautious.

Overly cautious to the point where I don't even allow my children to attend this church. They know something is wrong. They don't understand why you are treating their parents like you are and then claiming to care for them and love them. You can't love them but be unwilling to defend them against false, stupid accusations...you cannot have it both ways. Which is it?

God, make up your damn minds and stop you whining!

Confession #14: Lutheran? Really!

I have a confession to make...I attend a church that, I am more and more convinced, is NOT Lutheran.

I came to this conclusion a few months ago over some members' continued insistence that they be allowed to use "love songs" (Contemporary Christian Music) in the worship service, that we do away with the liturgy and that we stop being so "legalistic" (what ever the hell that means) when it comes to worship.

On top of all these red flags and many more comes the protests over our frequent use of (God forbid) the word Lutheran when talking about ourselves, our church and other church members. I mean, heaven forbid that we actually call ourselves what we are...Lutherans.

I guess to some peoples minds - even some Lutherans - Lutheran is a dirty word.

Lutherans. Lutherans. Lutherans. Lutherans. Oh my God, I just swore. Did you see that? Shame on me. I should stop confessing what I am and what I believe, after all it is a horribly, horribly shameful thing!

Confession #13: I am trapped

I have a confession to make...I am still a member of my congregation. I tried to leave but was told in no uncertain terms that my husband would suffer for it. It is no longer in my hands. So, where do I go from here?

God, was I wrong when I thought I would be so easily dismissed!

Imagine being told by your own church that you CANNOT leave simply because you are married to a certain person. How would you handle that? Could you? I mean, after all, these are "Christian" people who are suppose to love and support you as a brother or sister in Christ!

I think we should make a change...from now on, anyone married to a doctor (of any sort) can no longer leave their church, they are now a permanent member there. In addition, they must also do all the work a "pastor's wife" would: join the committees, the guilds, the choirs and everything else. Oh, but wait, that is not all. You must also lead bible studies and be chair of at least one committee and it gets better....oh yes, much better. If you say one little thing that is taken out of context, take one small misstep it reflects on your spouse. It is not just you, oh no, it is how both of you think. Lets see how long you last. Maybe then you will fuckin' let me go!

Okay, deep calming breaths (luckily the book study our church is doing teaches many great Buddhist teachings such as mindfulness and meditation). Ah, there now, I feel better. Doesn't everyone feel better when you throw in a little bit of Christ and whole lot of Buddha? But lets leave that for another time.

So, needless to say, I am still here. Still miserable and more than ever, regretting this call. I have no regrets in my life except this! It is a horrible burden to have and be able to do nothing about. Well, almost nothing. I am now on numerous boards, in one of the choirs and doing all I can with education.

In short, I am the sixth column!

Confession #12: I am leaving

I have a confession to make...I am leaving my church to attend another in the area.

About one month ago I finally joined the church my husband was called to serve. I hate it here. The decision for me to transfer was made tonight after much prayer, time spent in the Word and discussion with my husband. Everyone will tell me what they have told me from the beginning...stick it out...you must be doing something right because the devil is working overtime here at this congregation. Well, that may be true but the devil is doing such a good job and turning members against me and my family every time I start to feel that I may yet belong to this church that I am in danger of losing my faith in God. I have reached the point where if I don't get out now and attend another church, I just may stop going to church all together. I've been there before, I don't want to go back.

It is with deep sorrow that I leave this church knowing that I may never join with them in fellowship again but for my own faith, I must. I will occasionally come back to visit and I pray that one day I feel welcome there but I have been left with no choice. There are those in leadership positions (other than my husband) that knew how I felt and yet made no effort to do anything to help me from drowning... and that is what it feels like...I am drowning at this church.

My faith, my trust, my love for God and his people is drowning; it is failing here and I want with all my heart to survive this. This is the only way I know how...I must leave.

Confession #11: I hate people who judge

I have a confession...I hate people who judge my calling from God.

How dare you assume that God does not want this for me. If I feel that I have been called by God to action, why do you feel that your family or other members of this church are more deserving of my time, money and effort than what God himself has chosen for me? How can you presume to know what is best for me above what God knows is best for?

I hate you Satan...get behind me...Christ Jesus, the only son of God, who died on a cross for my sins is the only Lord in my life! Get behind me, Satan!

Confession # 10: I'm a little creeped out

I have a confession...I am a little...no make that totally creeped out by the letter I received in the mail today from Shepherd's Canyon Retreat.

Not only have I never heard of them before but it is unnerving to open a letter addressed to Mrs. [add husband's full name] and read everything contained in this blog so far! It is odd to have your words written back at you like they understand. There is no other information about them contained in the letter other than their name, address, phone number and email address. Who are you that you know what it is like? You can repeat words back to me but do you REALLY understand what it is like?

You can't possibly know what it is like since you can't even separate me from my husband...just like everyone else, you have the same expectations: you see me as being called with my husband. Like I've said before, this is not a "two for one deal", I am my own person. Believe it or not, I even have my own name! Shocking, I know! It may be hard to believe but I was not born to my parents saying, "Let's call her Mrs. because her husband will name her later." You cannot possibly understand if you can't even see me as my own person!